Mono vs. Poly

Monogamy is in the news a bit this week, after a study was done on why animals are monogamous or not. I don’t particularly want to summarize the study for you, or even summarize the articles around the study, so instead here’s a link for you to read on your own: http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/30/health/why-monogamy-evolution-studies/index.html?hpt=hp_bn13 

That does make me want to discuss my own ideas of monogamy vs. polyamory life, particularly mine (hey, this is my 500 word challenge, I can write what I want!). For me, monogamy just doesn’t feel right.

I’ll state this right away: I have almost never been able to remain monogamous. It just hasn’t been something that worked out for me, whether in a committed relationship or just dating. I have almost always turned to open relationships or ended up cheating in the final days of a monogamous relationship. Despite the fact that I’ve cheated, I don’t really like that act at all.

Although throughout my twenties, I’ve had friends who identified as “poly”, it wasn’t until a year or so ago that I really put any thought into the term. Since my last monogamous relationship ended fourish years ago, I’ve been casually dating the entire city (or, so it seems sometimes). The problem was that I had a very hard time dating one person at a time, and keeping that fact to myself. It made me feel sleazy to date multiple people but not be open about it.

So, about a year ago, I started dating someone who at the time was married and had three (four?) girlfriends. At first, I was a bit insecure about it: 1, at the time men were unappetizing to me, and here was this uber male in my life suddenly. 2, how does anyone have that kind of time and emotional capability?? Thankfully, he was extremely patient with me (as you really have to be when it comes to my emotional turtle-dom), and very willing to address my concerns and questions. He said one thing that has stuck with me: “I have a whole lot of love to give.”

I’m not sure why that particular statement was the one that really flipped a switch on in my mind, but that was the one that really put me in the mindset that my love isn’t necessarily going to be towards just one person. I grew up with a mindset that I would marry the person I loved, and live happily ever after. Maybe it was my Catholic upbringing, or my parents remaining married to this day, or maybe it was the Disney Princess culture. Whatever it was, all of the things that I thought I knew as a child and growing up were suddenly a very grey area.

Because of that, I’ve relearned what my ideas of love and relationships are. I tell my now boyfriend that I love him, because I no longer fear the idea of the word and because I do actually love him. I’m now one of his four (or five?) girlfriends, and he is one of my numberless partners.

A friend once told me that she had the impression that polyamory was an orientation, and that it wasn’t something you could really choose to be or not. When I sit down and really put thought into it, that theory seems pretty accurate to me. Science can do all the studies it wants on why animals (and people) are monogamous, but I think that like homosexuality or pansexuality, it just is how someone is (or isn’t). I made a decision to identify as poly, but my relationship past taught me that monogamy isn’t something I could identify with since it wasn’t a natural feeling for me.

Total word count: 618